Nobody saw the shitshow
The woman who looked like she had it sorted.
I pulled out my personal journals recently. Thirty years’ worth, kept in a box. I grabbed a handful, opened to whatever page I landed on, and started reading.
What jumped out again and again was my struggle with self-doubt and the pull to please people who wanted to fit me into boxes that made sense to them. Yes, I made big life changes and went for what I wanted. But it was an all-out battle. I’ve spent most of my life fighting, in one way or another, to choose myself.
A friend once told me I inspired her. It surprised me. I thought she was talking about someone else, or she was a bit looney tunes.
To her, I was someone who beat to my own drum. I left relationships and jobs that didn’t fit, moved to countries that called to me, and always created the life I wanted. On the outside, I looked like I had it all sorted. On the inside, it was a shitshow.
As I read those pages, I felt sadness for the girl who struggled, and no one really saw. I felt anger at all the people who tried to put her into boxes. And I felt something spark within me.
It took a conversation with that same friend to turn the spark into a flame. As long as I’ve known this woman, she’s been driven, successful, and takes no prisoners. I admired her and was even a little scared of her sometimes. She’s recently discovered a part of herself that’s been hidden, even to her. A softer, more emotional side that wants space and a voice. That can be a scary thing to do, and an even scarier thing to share.
Listening to her made me realise I’m not alone, and neither is she. And surely, we aren’t the only two women on this journey.
That’s why I built this.
I want other women to know they aren’t alone. I want them to feel seen, and to know someone gets it.
I haven’t reached some final destination. There isn’t one. It’s an ongoing journey. It does get better, but sometimes it’s still frustrating as hell. But I’m still here, still working at choosing myself.
Maybe you are too. Is there a version of you that nobody really sees? Maybe she’s been waiting long enough.